No Airman left behind: Waking up from the depression nightmare Published Jan. 31, 2011 By Staff Sgt. Erica Picariello 50th Space Wing Public Affairs SCHRIEVER AIR FORCE BASE, Colo. -- The American entertainer, Sammy Davis Jr., once said, "reality is never as bad as a nightmare, as the mental tortures we inflict on ourselves." One Schriever Airman became a pawn to his mental torture when his life became a nightmare during a permanent change of station. "My wife started getting homesick while we were stationed in Guam," said a Schriever Airman. "I understood that she probably missed her family so, I told her to go home and visit them. She called me while still on vacation and said that she wanted a divorce." The Airman and his wife reconsidered divorce and spent the following months working through their issues and received orders from Guam to Colorado Springs. While she finished spending time with her family, he moved more than 6,000 miles, began building a house for her and her daughter, whom he was in the process of adopting, started a new job and even bought his wife a new car. "She picked out the car online while she was visiting family and I bought it for her when I got here," he said. "I was living in an extended stay motel while our house was being built. She flew out one week to pick out carpet, wall paper and tile. Everything was great; we were going to be a family again." In his mind, everything was perfect but two weeks later, while checking a popular social networking site, photographs reignited his nightmare. "She posted photos of herself kissing another man on Facebook," the Airman stated. "It caught me completely off-guard, but when I saw those photos online it made me sick. In a way, it was kind of a relief because I knew why she wanted a divorce, but still at that point I realized that she's not coming back. There's no working with this, she's decided what she's going to do. I watched everything that we built together fall apart. " While the Airman's marriage crumbled, he was stuck dealing with the remnants of the life he built for the family he no longer had. "I was stuck with a house that I was building for our family, the wall paper she picked out and an ugly blue car that I had bought for her," the Schriever Airman said. "At this point, I'm living in an extended stay hotel, all my stuff is in storage, I don't know anyone here... I'd been at Schriever maybe a month. I felt completely alone... there was nobody here I could trust." This Airman's reality was a nightmare and he wanted it to end. "At that point, suicide became an option," the Airman said. "I wasn't planning, but the tendencies were there. Suicide was like a lingering feeling all day long, I'd get a flash through my mind and think, 'I could do that. That is an option.' Once I felt that way, it pushed me over the deep end. I started to look and plan." The Schriever Airman's suicide plans were formed inadvertently through the information highway. "I searched the World Wide Web for advice to avoid having to go to a shrink to talk about my problems but, when you search the internet a lot of additional stuff will pop up," the Airman said. "One site told me the best methods to kill myself. It had mortality rates, how effective they are and how painful each method was. I saw a few different ways that I could commit suicide. I never decided on a method but, I would think about things before I fell asleep and figured I could just walk out in front of a car on Powers Boulevard. I felt that would be the easiest way to do it." The Airman had been keeping in contact with his friends in Guam through text messaging. One friend was alarmed by his sudden change in disposition and called for help. "There was a girl I worked with that had helped me through the last rough patch my wife and I went through and she called her first sergeant," he said. "My friend in Guam gave her first sergeant my information and that first sergeant called my first sergeant here. That man immediately called me and came over to where I was staying." Though he was initially angry with his friend, he believes her actions ultimately saved his life. "At first I was really mad at her for calling leadership," he said. "I appreciate it now even though I was pretty mad at first. I don't know if I would have ever gone through with it but because of that phone call the wheels were set in motion toward my recovery. " Fiftieth Space Wing team members immediately rallied around this Schriever Airman to ensure he received adequate care. "The Schriever first sergeant set me up with an appointment with the Military Family Life Consultant for the next day," the Schriever Airman said. "Also, both my supervisor and commander were really supportive. My dad flew out and my leadership was really worried about me taking time off by myself. So, my supervisor asked me to call her a few times a day to check in and also let her know what appointments I had throughout the day. She kept apologizing for micromanaging me but, I appreciated it. She really cared." With support from his leadership and family, this Schriever Airman was able to progress through treatment with the MFLC. "The MFLC asked me what was going on and then she explained to me how the program works," he said. "She told me that MLFC doesn't keep records and explained to me the pros and cons of treatment. She told me I could go to mental health, stay with her or go off-base. I saw her for a few sessions and decided that talking with her and regular visits with my primary care physician were my best course of treatment. I began using an anti-depressant because at that point, I didn't care how ... I just wanted to feel better." In conjunction with the short term decision to go on medication, he also went through behavioral therapy. "The MFLC taught me coping skills," the Schriever Airman said. "What worked better than anything for me was keeping myself busy. Whenever I felt bad I'd go to a movie or hit the gym... whatever I needed to do to keep my mind off things. The MFLC said that it was a major part of my recovery - to know what your triggers are and to know how to cope with it. You have to use healthy coping skills too, drinking is obviously not a good option." Part of this Schriever Airman's coping process was to learn to rely on others. "What helped me the most was being honest with myself and with other people about my situation. I didn't pretend like there was nothing going on," he said. "Talking about it and letting people know how I was feeling was huge during my recovery." It wasn't just talking that helped this Airman through his nightmare, trusting that the Air Force was there to help him played a major role in getting him back on track to his American dream. "Everybody's situation is different, but you just need to trust that the Air Force isn't just a big blue organization," the Schriever Airman said. "You have to trust that they'll care and they really do care. It's not just a show... Schriever helped me. Nothing happened to my career. I didn't lose my line number and still have a top secret security clearance. I trusted the Air Force and they helped me." Editor's note: The interviewee will remain nameless due to the article's sensitive nature. This is the third story in a three part series.